Hello dear readers. Thanks so much if you've been following this blog. I've made my very last blog-post and I wish to put this blog to sleep. I've since shifted to: http://pixierocket.tumblr.com/
Continue following me there. Appreciate it. Love y'all. Xoxo, E.

This is the last you'll hear from me.
If this is what you really want baby, I'll give it to you.
I will always continue to love you.

[	Tags	|	earth angel	]
[	Current Location	|	Bed	]
[	Current Mood	|	broken	]
[	Current Music	|	I Should've Been A Tsin Tsi For You by Mew	]

My complete heart and amorous words have never been sufficient for you.
So your arms retreat in retaliation. I wish they had remained to hold me.
On my darkest descent, I was forced to persevere and make amends for previous wrongs.
Then from a striking distance you look at me with such hatred, such malevolence.
You made a quick riposte; labelling my arguement a cheap fallacy.
You were too much in oblivion to realize how your utterance had perforated my heart.

Your bigotry, my affliction, our shed tears.

Don't you recall how you felt, when I held onto your arm for the first time in Zouk? That special feeling, you know, I felt it too. And I still feel it everytime I think of you.
Don't you recall how you felt, waking up next to me on my bed? You turned to me and just smiled. And with that, I was sure you loved me.

Do I really not matter to you anymore? Honestly have you forgotton all those amazing moments we shared? Because I haven't forgotten one bit and that's what makes it so hard for me to go on without you. I cannot live my life without you Mr. X. Can you?

On the night of June 24th 2009,
we said,
no matter what or how,
we'll make it work so long as we love each other.

----------------

I still believe in that.
 

In your eyes I see the darkness that torments you. And in your head where it dwells. I'd give you my hands if you reach out and grab it. Let's walk away from this hell.

[	Tags	|	earth angel	]
[	Current Location	|	Bed	]
[	Current Mood	|	distressed	]

When I said those three words, you knew that I was yours. When you caught me there, crying in the night, wearing your jacket, wearing that smile, you knew that you had found me. This could be an opportunity. Were you unawares? Did it catch you out or did it break you in? Right from the start, it's as pure as fire, it's as pure as snow. You knew that you had found me. This could be an opportunity if you promise to let it grow. Cause I'm the one you love.

[	Tags	|	earth angel	]
[	Current Location	|	Bed	]
[	Current Mood	|	distressed	]

Backwards, forwards but making no ground at all. Waiting at home with the clocks counting, numbers growing. And my face is still wet from the conversation before. As my tears hit the ground, hoping blue flowers spring from them. Baby, I'm ashamed of the things I put you through. Baby, I'm ashamed of the girl I was for you. How fast must we run before we can just take off in flight? How far must we run before we can overcome this ordeal? So let's take this from the start, you'll be me and I'll be you. And let's try not to complain about your smoking and my distant heart. Then my eyes flooded when all you said in your quietest voice was "I still love you".

There's too many mirrors in this house and I don't like to see myself like this. I'm becoming the girl I used to be I guess? These walls could tell you a thing or two about me. Things that you really don't want to know. Lend me your eyes for your point of view. Lend me your feet and I'll stand strong for you. We might need to rage through all of this life. You see, there may be ones who are smarter than you, that have the right answers and that wear better shoes. Forget about those melting ice caps, we're doing the best with what we've got. And that's all I need. I love you in the morning, when you're still hung over. I love you in the morning, when you're still strung out. When I'm with you, I am calm. Like a pearl in your oyster. My head on your chest and a silent smile - a private kind of happiness. You see giant proclamations are all very fancy. But we don't need that because our love is louder than words.

[	Tags	|	earth angel	]
[	Current Location	|	Bed	]
[	Current Mood	|	in love	]

Do you remember writing this to me baby?

Ion square, perspex swings.
I breathe out, you breathe in.
Permanent midnight.
Our love, our love.
How we've come to depend,
on each other til the end.
The space between us has disappeared.
You finish my, you finish my words for me.
I remember how it began.
So many great days in a row.
Barefoot on esplanade.
Trying to find the love we know.
If we could stay like this in a silver foil,
trapped in amber for a life.
Permanent midnight.
Our love, our love.
Who said unbroken happiness
is a bore, is a bore?
Who said it, my love?
I don't mind it anymore, anymore.
And I reach out my hand over your side of the bed,
pull that blanket over your shoulders exposed to the cold.
And the loneliness of those early months will never return.
And I don't mind, I don't mind,
'cause I love my mind when I'm with you.
Slowed down to a crawl.
Years of crime and the grapevine,
have not at all dimmed your shine.
So let's stay in, let the sofa be our car.
Let's stay in, let the TV be our stars.
I found my dancing shoes but they don't fit.
All the bright lights do is bore me.
They bore me.
All I'd like to do,
is remain here with you.
I carry your heart here with me,
I carry it in my heart.
I carry your heart with me,
I carry it in my heart.

I wanna wake up next to you again :( Forgive me for all my wrongs. My world is nothing without you and my days are worthless when you're gone. Remember how we used to be? Remember when you told me you loved me for the first time on the Rooftop? Our love was so sweet. We could return to that. Let me show you that you can trust me again. Give me the chance for us to start all over again. Let us start all over again.

When I wake up, I want it to be next to you again. When I eat, I want you to be staring at me again. When I'm at my worst, I want you to be telling me I'm still beautiful again. When I feel hopeless, I want you to give me hope and remind me to have faith again. When I cry, I want it to be in the comfort of your arms again. When I walk home, I want you to be walking beside and keeping me safe again. When I say I love you, I want you to say it back to me again :,(

From the very beginning, I told you I would wait for you. That Tuesday night, I said to you that no matter what it took or how ever long it takes, I will wait for you. Because my heart only lies with you and with you it will forever remain. And I still stand by that. I know it'll take time for you to forgive me and for things to subside but however long it takes, I will be waiting for you, just as I have always been from the start. I am sorry for the hurt I've brought upon you and if there was anything in this world that I could do to take away your pain, I would in an instant. What is between us now, we can overcome. Our love is stronger than anything else and I know that our love is enough to take away any pain we feel in time. It hurts me to know that I've hurt you. And you have no idea the immense guilt I face everyday when I wake up. I feel so disgusted with myself do you know? I love you Kenneth. And I love you with every inch of my heart. I cannot go on, I cannot live without you. I miss waking up to your text. I miss waking up to your call. I miss waking up to your voice. I miss waking up to your smile. I miss waking up to your smell. I miss waking up with your arms wrapped around me. I miss you. Please come back to me my Kenneth Shmenneth.

Do you remember how I stayed out with you til 3AM in the morning on my birthday? Do you remember the conversation we had? Do you remember when my tears smudged my eyeliner that night, you said I looked like some junkie but you said I still looked pretty? I miss you. Come back to me Kenneth.

 

[	Tags	|	earth angel	]
[	Current Location	|	Bed	]
[	Current Mood	|	blah	]
[	Current Music	|	Gimme Sympathy by Metric	]

Just lay it all down. Put your face into my neck and let it fall out. This world you're in now, it doesn't have to be alone. I'll get there somehow. You were blessed by a different kind of inner view: it's all magnified. The highs would make you fly, and the lows make you want to die. I was once there, hanging from that very ledge where you are standing. So I know it's easier to let go. But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see, so we can both be there and we can both share the dark. And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds and into the light at the end of the fight.

[	Tags	|	earth angel	]
[	Current Location	|	Bed	]
[	Current Mood	|	broken	]

I cannot understand how you can hate me so much. Doesn't it matter to you that I'm hurting? Don't you love me anymore?
Why don't you love me anymore? Why don't you love me anymore? Why don't you love me anymore? Tell me why. Open your mouth and speak to me. It fucking hurts. Don't leave me alone. I NEED YOU. I NEED YOU. I FUCKING NEED YOU. I JUST NEED YOU.
But you forgot about me. You forgot to reply my text and calls. You forgot to hold me when I cry. You forgot to be here when I needed you. You forgot to care. You forgot how to love. You forgot our love. You forgot about me. I'm your baby, don't you remember?
You're never around anymore and it breaks my heart. I miss you.

[	Tags	|	earth angel	]
[	Current Location	|	bed	]
[	Current Mood	|	sad	]

Here we go, take a bow. You were not there for me when I needed you and honestly I think I love you more. If that's possible, I think I love you more. I'm quite sure that my heart can't take it anymore. I'm so scared of cracking up again. I just wanna return to the way we were before. And I'm quite certain that my heart can't take much more of this nothing. You say that you need some time but how long does it take to see that we are more than meant to be? I'm waiting for the perfect time to call you back. Because I remember thinking, I don't wanna know the truth, I can't handle that. And I try to just forget you but I don't know how. If only I knew. Can't you see what's written all over my face? It's such a painful thing to waste. Tell me now, where do we go from here? Now the future's not so clear and I can't believe we've ended up here. We were so happy before. I want that back. I'm sorry if I slagged you down, I meant no harm. I said things I didn't mean and I should have stayed calm. But sadly you got angry and it breaks my heart. You're so mad at me. The more I think, the more I'm unsure of what to believe. Why bring me down and complicate things? You take my words but then you hear them in a different way. The way you're "talking" leaves me not quite sure what to say. When you start speaking will it be too late? Do you remember when we talked for hours on the phone? Just being stupid but at least we didn't pretend. Your smile helped me to find my way. Who's listening to me now? Why won't you? Find me and show me, what do you want from me? There has got to be better than this. I don't wanna leave you. But what if you want me to? There has got to be another way. Kenneth answer me, or we'll never know.

[	Tags	|	earth angel	]
[	Current Location	|	Bed	]
[	Current Mood	|	depressed	]

Yes you're right, things will never be the same. I still love you with every beat of my heart but I don't know what to do right now. Everything's just coming crashing down on me and my heart feels too heavy. September has been so hard - things with family and things with you. I'm aware you are going through your fair share of troubles but I wish we could forget everything hurtful between us and just let it go. I cannot take it baby. I am going to crumble. Who's going to piece me back together if not you? I admit that what I did to you was very very wrong and I wish there was something I could do to take it all back. I'd do anything to undo the hurt I've caused you. I made a huge mistake. People make mistakes but I just cannot believe what you did. Thank you for telling me you broke the promise though. So tell me something else now Kenneth, give me a solution, where do we go from here? What do we do now? Tell me you still want us. You gotta talk to me, don't leave me hanging. Maybe you need some time away from me? I don't know. But then again, it's not like we've been around each other the past few weeks anyways. Call me and tell me what you want out of this relationship now. I need you to tell me what you want. Because I sure as hell know what I want. And it's the same thing I've always wanted from the very first time we met. I love you so fucking much Kenneth, you may not believe me but I feel it in my heart and whatever's happening between us now is breaking me. Don't let go of my love.

[	Tags	|	earth angel	]
[	Current Location	|	Bed	]
[	Current Mood	|	tired	]
[	Current Music	|	Battlefield by Jordin Sparks	]

Did I drive you away? I know what you'll say. You'll say, "Oh, sing one we know". But I promise you this, I'll always look out for you. That's what I'll do. My heart is yours. It's you that I hold on to. That's what I'll do. But I know I was wrong, and I won't let you down. But I'll sing "Oh". I cry "Oh". Yeah I saw sparks. Yeah I saw sparks between us. And I saw sparks. Singing out. ~
 

[	Tags	|	earth angel	]
[	Current Location	|	Bed	]
[	Current Mood	|	confused	]
[	Current Music	|	Kantoi by Zee Avi	]

Cariño,

Te amo con todo mi corazón. Mi amor por ti es real y más de lo que tú piensas. Has llegado a mi vida y me as hecho sentir especial. Mi corazón no tiene cabida para otros chicos. Eres el único en mi corazón. Mi amor, por favor dame la oportunidad. Lo prometo seré mejor por ti. Ten fé en mi. Siempre estás en mi mente. Eres la persona más importante para mi. Completas mi vida. Eres mi todo. Incluso en los malos tiempos, mi amor perdura y me importa que lo percibas.

Te amo para toda la vida.

[	Tags	|	earth angel, girlfriends, papa dearest	]
[	Current Location	|	Living Room	]
[	Current Mood	|	distressed	]

So anyways, today was pretty peculiar? I was really hesitant to even go out of the house since it's his birthday and deathday today. I thought maybe it'd be best if I stayed home and mourn? Yeah okay well, that sounds pathetic. I had a feeling that if I stayed home I would've been an emotional wreck. So I decided yesterday that I'd meet Amy to get my mind away from thinking today.

Getting ready earlier this afternoon, I tried to rush prepping my face and hair for I was like already 2hours late to meet Amy. Overslept as usual :/ Then Biko by Bloc Party played on my itunes and that completely interupted my mind with thoughts of my Biko, him. Well, Biko is a term to address a loved one in the native Nigerian language. Anyways I wasn't thinking much about him, tried my best to not let my mind wonder upon the topic but once that Biko song played, I snapped.

Though it happened many many years ago, the grief til today is still unbearable. I felt weak in the knees and just literally let myself fall to the floor and tear. I decided then that the one person I really really needed with me today out of any other day was ofcourse Kenneth. We didn't see each other for two whole weeks or even contacted much for that matter but I was ready to drop all the fucking tension between us just to have Ken beside me again. Even if for a minute or so, I just needed Ken's presense.

So, I asked him to meet me and eventually I took a cab to his place. When we met, he gave me a long hug which felt extraodinary. The feeling was indescribable. That one sincere hug was all that took to lift so much off my chest. Ken lifted sooo much off my chest without even trying and he didn't even realize it. I cannot begin to describe to you what that hug did to me. We had about only an hour together so I just wanted to make the most out of the sixty minutes and try not to bring up anything about "the talk" that I've been longing to have with him.

Gotta admit that Ken hasn't been around much for the past two weeks but today when I honestly needed him more than ever, he was there for me and I appreciate it. So thank you baby.
I love you. So anyways after Ken left, Amy, Ratna and I sat at Starbucks Eastpoint and just chatted and chatted. We had pretty good laughs and it really helped my emotions. My girls look fantabulous with their newly done hair by the way :]

Well, now I'm home and I seriously wish Ken is here with me again :/ I need him. Sat in my room earlier and overheard Mama pray for him from her room. I hardly hear her pray unless it's an occasion. Today being his birth and death day, I can only imagine how Mama feels when she recites the prayer. Knowing the pain Mama feels only makes the grief on my end more unbearable. We as a family don't talk much about him because we know if we bring him up, it would only cause an emotional breakdown between each one of us. We are very aware of one another's grief but we never dare talk about it. The topic is too painful.

The first thought that came to my mind last night as the clock struck midnight to September 16th, was what I went through on June 8th 2009. I still do not regret my decision to be present at his reburial and I never will regret. But it causes me unimaginable distress when the images of his remains flash through my mind time and again. I wish I could convey to you readers how much it fucking hurts. Kenneth, I need you.